I love to drive. I hate riding shotgun because I feel like I’m not in control. Plus that big open window they call a windshield is like a television screen for how my death could play out. Here’s a list of things in no particular order I once heard a driver say to me that I hope to never hear again.
10. “mmm snarfunkled” – WTF is snarfunkled you may ask? Turns out snarfunkled was his best attempt at saying I’m drunk. If you can’t even say I’m drunk, you’re too drunk and should not be operating a motor vehicle.
9. “Holy shit” – Does anything ever good happen when the driver says that?
8.” Holy fuck” – Same as above.
7. “Dude, we almost died” – Yes, thank you for pointing that out. Please concentrate on driving to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
6. “Ehhhh” (Said in a Fonzy sort of way) - To be fair this happened before we were in the car and still at the bar. I asked the snarfunkled guy if he was designated driver and he turns around double fisting some drinks and says “Ehhhh” turns out we needed a new DD that night.
5. “This feels like a video game” – Yeah I agree, sometimes when you’re driving fast at night it does feel like a video game. The lights passing by, the lights on your gauges, whatever kind of music you’re playing on the radio. Now focus because there’s no continues if we hit game over.
4. “Grab the wheel, I need to finish my burger” - Okay why the fuck not? I’ll humour you this time, when we’re not on the highway going 100km/h though.
3. “Hold my beer, it doesn’t fit in the cup holder” - You have got to be out of your god damned mind if you think I’m gonna hang onto your beer. Then I looked and the cap was still on it.
2. “Wanna hear my Stevie Wonder impersonation?” – Yes I do, completely forgetting Stevie Wonder is blind. My asshole of a friend closes his eyes and starts bobbing his head around clapping his hands and singing, “And I just called…..to say….I love you..and I just…..” You get the idea.
1. “Look at the crunchies” – What the fuck is a crunchie and why would I want to look at them? To which I was explained, my driving instructor called pedestrians crunchies because that’s the sound they make if you hit them. I hope he was kidding.
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